You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
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They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Two types of dogs.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,