snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
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if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*