I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
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Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
#DesignFail
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?