I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
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Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Same post same
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?