Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
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I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
me linking you to my twitter
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.