[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
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Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.