Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.