It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
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Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜