Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
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Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?