How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
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I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My wedding will be open casket.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
This line from Airplane.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?