Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
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“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.