[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
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I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.