Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
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I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.