I support this random dude and all his protests
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This squirrel eats better than I do
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.