Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
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When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.