I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
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Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Me :
All Day At Night
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol