Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
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CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no