Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
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90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.