Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
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“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn鈥檛 she just do it herself
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 饾摠饾摳饾摼’饾摶饾摦 饾摥饾攤饾摬饾摲饾摪 饾摴饾摶饾摳饾摣饾摢饾摣饾摰饾攤
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You鈥檙e lucky it has seats.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I wouldn鈥檛 usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater