My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
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*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?