Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
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The cashier just checked me out.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.