ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
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“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.