How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
You Might Also Like
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.