How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
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Real House Wines.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.