And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
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if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water