7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
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I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Me :
All Day At Night
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.