When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
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Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
channeling her this year
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?