I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
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It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*