Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
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I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.