The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
You Might Also Like
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
What if all the cashiers are married?
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.