DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
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Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy