*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
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Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
*weighs self after shaving
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Oh my god