Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
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It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.