Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
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This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Twitter is an abusement park.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.