Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
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jesus, what did this guy do
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name