me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
You Might Also Like
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A 蟺thon
Schr枚dinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schr枚dinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who鈥檚 telling the truth
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
unless you鈥檙e ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain鈥檛 chasing shit
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槅馃槅馃槅馃馃馃槀馃槀
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I鈥檓 going to allow it because I really need the help.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
i love nature 馃檪 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
My toddler is screaming because I won鈥檛 give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It鈥檚 an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won鈥檛 let him eat an onion.
I know yoga isn鈥檛 supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we鈥檙e all dealing with a lot rn
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.