So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
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I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars