When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
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Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.