don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
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me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.