This took me a second..
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I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Google Pay be like:
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Some people were born into their job.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.