boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
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No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
TODAY
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river