Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
You Might Also Like
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’