Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
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If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.