Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
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For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.