there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
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What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
NASA has no chill
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*