did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
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I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I am having an out of money experience.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.