Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
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[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
WHY would you be happy about this?
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Okay