Weirdos gonna weird.
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280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
the dark web is just a goth google.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
some Old Testament wisdom
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground