Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
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HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.