Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
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4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
wut hotdog?
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
sistine chapel
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
He is just living hist best little life 😊
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.